musingsonwomenshealth.com

Reflections on 40 years as a doctor in Women's Health

Furry Worry


Why do I find myself always behind the times? I read, I listen, and I watch with what I assume are open eyes, and yet I’m always discovering new things that everybody else seems to regard as old things, passé things no longer worthy of prolonged scrutiny. Okay, I’m old, but so is the world, and it’s not disqualified from a careful re-examination of what once merited a surprised glance.

I suppose what prompted my embarrassment -well, this particular gaffe anyway- was seeing somebody in a teddy bear suit that seemed much taller than a child could wear, and who carried no sign advertising why he/she was dressed like that at a bus stop. Although it was a weekday afternoon, I assumed it (easier than he/she, don’t you think?) was heading for a dress-up event, or maybe a publicity stunt somewhere. It didn’t talk to anybody on the bus, and I have to admit that nobody was attempting to encourage it to offer an explanation either. Some things just are, I figured, and left it at that; I did stare at it from time to time from a few seats behind it, however. Actually, I was wondering if it would be difficult to breath in something like that, but then I realized that I was wearing a KN 95 Covid mask and apart from my sunglasses fogging up was none the worse for wear. The teddy bear was also wearing sunglasses, but I couldn’t see if they were misting over from three rows back.

What I found most interesting though, is that after an initial flurry of interest at the bus stop, and then on the bus itself, people returned to their usual social lives and either stared at their phones, or talked with each other as if there wasn’t somebody wearing a teddy bear suit sitting across the aisle from them.

Novelty wears off after a while, I suppose. I mean, we all accommodate eventually to odd smells, or background noises which we initially found annoying. Even I found myself more interested in looking out of the window at the ever-changing cityscape. In fact, I only became aware of the teddy-person again when it lined up behind me at the exit for my stop.

It was then I realized it was carrying a small brown purse-like satchel over its shoulder. Then, after putting its sunglasses inside, it frantically started to search for something in there once it got off the bus. Even through the suit, I could see its distress, so I stopped to ask if I could help.

“Could I borrow your phone for a minute?” a soft, and obviously troubled feminine voice asked.

I reached in a pocket and handed her my phone, wondering just how she (that seemed fairly obvious from the voice) would be able to use it through her costume. But she quickly removed the teddy bear head, and an equally androgynous head appeared and smiled at me. I couldn’t really tell by her head how old she was, but I guessed she was in her late teens or early twenties.

“I’m meeting a group of friends who… well, friends like me anyway,” she explained, hesitantly. “But I’ve never been to this neighbourhood before, so I thought I’d phone and get the address again.” She punched in a number, and kept mumbling something into the phone until she received the instructions, I guess. “I got off a stop too early,” she said, handing back the phone, and shrugging as she thanked me. “I was supposed to get off at 22nd, not 19th, or wherever we are now…” she added, looking around.

I smiled at her. “I’m heading to 21st to go to the Community Centre… mind if I walk with you…?”

She looked at me suspiciously for a moment. “Why did you get off the bus here?”

I shrugged guiltily. “I sometimes get off a bit early so I can walk through this little Memorial Park,” I said pointing to the trees. “It’s also close to the library across Marine Drive,” I added, pointing across the street.

“You live around here?” she said, obviously still unsure of my motives; unsure why an old man would choose to walk with a teddy bear, I guess.

“No, but I’m meeting a friend who does,” I answered.

Her smile returned, along with a rather resigned-to-her-fate sigh. But she still seemed uncomfortable with the decision -or maybe it was the costume, I couldn’t decide. Finally, after walking a little way along the sidewalk with me, she stopped. “Look,” she said, “I’ve never done this before, okay? I mean I’m not as weird as I look…” She hesitated at what she’d just admitted. “…I mean, I am, but my friends told me to wear it on the bus, eh? It’ll give you confidence, Toni, they said.” She shrugged and shook her head. “I think it drew more attention to me than usual, though…”

I glanced at her, but didn’t think it was polite to ask her to explain what she meant.

“You seem like an understanding person,” she said, after an awkward silence. “You were the only one not gawking at me in the lineup, or sneaking glances at me on the bus…” She shrugged self-consciously. “I notice these things,” she added. “I feel these things…”

We continued to walk, and she kept switching the head she was carrying from arm to arm as if it were quite heavy.

“Would you like me to carry your head for a moment? It seems quite heavy…” I felt silly putting it that way, but she giggled and handed it to me.

“Thanks…”

“G,” I said, because she seemed to trust me enough to want to know my name now. “My friends call me G.”

“And I’m Toni,” she said, extending a paw at first, and then tearing off the paw she was wearing like a glove to reveal her real hand. “Stupid costume,” she said after we shook hands.

“So… I mean why…?” I realized I was being rude, but the question just seemed to pop out of my mouth.

Toni smiled at that. “I wondered when you were going to get up enough courage to ask, G.” She sighed and attempted a shrug under her bear-suit. “I’m transgender…  and most people are confused, or even abusive if they see a man dressed as a woman in a store -or especially on a bus where they may even have to sit beside her.”

I didn’t quite know what to say to that, but Toni figured it out and smiled.

“I know, I know, G… People still don’t know how to react to me as a ‘furry’[i] -it’s what they call this charade stuff- but I hoped it might be more with  amusement, than disgust.”

Toni looked at the sidewalk when she said that and I felt sorry for her. I could imagine that the dilemma she faced as a woman trapped in a man’s body would be hard enough, but then to face public criticism and abuse for simply trying to be the person she felt she was, must be…well, utterly demoralizing. Utterly unfair…

“Look,” she finally said, and sent her eyes on an exploratory mission to gauge my expression. “I thought I’d at least give it a try, eh?”

We were at the park, and I handed her the head and then reached over to put my hand on where I hoped her shoulder was under the suit. “You don’t have to disguise yourself, Toni,” I said, smiling and greeting her with my eyes. “You are who you are; disguises like this are fun every once in a while, I suppose, but in the end that’s all they are: disguises.” A thought occurred to me. “Are the friends you’re meeting also going to be dressed like…?”

She actually laughed. “Like teddy bears?”

I nodded, relieved I didn’t have to say it.

“No way, G -we’re all trannies though… It was Alex who suggested I give it a try, since I was the one who seemed so uncomfortable in public about my gender…”

“And now…?”

A big smile lit up her face. “And now, I think I’m gonna go back to being who I really am: just Toni. Thank you for listening to me G,” she said and waddled off down the street, swinging the head from hand to hand like a heavy weight she couldn’t believe she’d ever worn.

[i] https://theconversation.com/what-are-furries-debunking-myths-about-kids-identifying-as-animals-and-litter-boxes-in-schools-193908

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