musingsonwomenshealth.com

Reflections on 40 years as a doctor in Women's Health

Looking a gift horse in the mouth


I’ve never thought much about how deeply gifts are ingrained within our culture, within our interactions, within our expectations. I have always looked upon gifts as merely acts of caring and altruism on the part of the giver: offerings that expect no return but gratitude; a feeling that both sides benefitted from the exchange, albeit in different ways. As a recipient I would likely return the favour at some stage -but in appreciation, not in repayment.

Of course, in a way, any gift is transactional: some sort of acknowledgement is expected for a gift; but if considered an obligation, the altruism seems ruined, fake. And yet to see it otherwise would be naïve…[i] There is an expectation of reciprocity, although often unstated. But, however clothed, there is still a debt, a duty to be honoured -even though no contract has been signed.

Still, for me, gifts remain magical creatures, and viewing them and any commitments hidden in them, as some sort of business negotiation is not to my liking; it is no longer untarnished generosity. And yet, we are a social species; we do not act alone; we cannot be touched without also touching.

Somehow, I have managed to survive to old age without realizing the responsibility that accompanies a gift: giving thanks and wanting to reciprocate -yes; but feeling guilty for receiving a bill if I forgot -no. I never thought of gifts as barter; I don’t think it was why I gave them, at any rate.  

But I suppose it hinges on what we think of as a gift. Must there always be a purpose? And is it necessarily recursive? I’ve experienced many things, intended or otherwise, that I regarded as gifts -things for which I felt no need (or ability) to reciprocate in kind: a brightly coloured autumn leaf falling onto my shoulder; a rock on the road  glistening for too brief a moment in a passing sunbeam; the card my little daughter once drew for me just because she loved me…  

But, perhaps there are different types of gifts, things which by other names would smell as sweet… or not. Perhaps the transactional varieties are not truly ‘gifts’, because they are dispensed with the expectation of reward. Of course, the very act of unexamined giving, may constitute a reward in itself… even when the assumption of indebtedness is brushed aside. It’s all very confusing.

Anyway, many gifts are not really spontaneous -they are duty-bound: Christmas, birthdays, retirements, births… I cannot criticize these occasions: they’re all celebratory and worthy of recognition, but the gifts associated with them seem more customary -ritualistic- than spontaneous acts of joy: they are more what you’re supposed to do. Presumably, any gift is appreciated, even if they are expected; the only surprise about them, however, is in their contents, and not that they’ve been given.

So what am I going on about? I’m not criticizing gift giving, and some sort of acknowledgment of a special event is obviously appropriate; it’s just that they are not gifts, as I want to understand them; they are exchanges, for lack of a better word. If that approaches too close to a transaction, then I suppose that’s how I see the average gift.

I’m obviously not sure what word I should use to describe my idea of a ‘real gift’, but it seems to me that there are certain things, certain criteria, they should possess before I would feel comfortable calling them gifts.

It seems to me a gift should be unsolicited, and unexpected -perhaps even undeserved, for that matter. To earn a gift, or even to expect a gift for some occasion or activity, is to transactualize what is given; it makes it a reward for something -not a gift.

Also, a gift may be something only perceived as such by the receiver; the donor may not intend it for them -for anybody, perhaps: the plaintive song of the Swainson’s Thrush as evening approaches can be a gift to those who hear it; a slowly waving branch of a wind-brushed cedar can be a very personal gift if you notice it; and, of course, the laugh of a happy child at play…

Perhaps what determines whether or not something is really a gift is the state of mind to appreciate it, especially if it is a surprise, and maybe only accidentally noticed: it’s the ability to recognize and label something as truly special in that moment. Anything could be like that, I suppose, but that’s the point. It can be the spontaneous gift of money to a person begging on the street, or the random patting of a dog that elicits a wagging of its tail; holding the door open for a mother wheeling an unwieldy baby carriage; picking up a fallen toy thrown from that same carriage; helping an elderly man struggling to cross a busy intersection before the light turns red… The list is endless, and essentially self-generated. Self-cherished.

Do you see what I’m getting at? These are the real gifts, I think -spontaneous, often unplanned, and frequently unsought. There should be a spirit living in a gift -but whether it’s yours, or its, I’m not sure. Still, I suppose that’s what makes it special: it’s a gift.

[i] https://aeon.co/essays/give-and-take-how-gift-giving-forges-society-and-ourselves

, , , , ,

gozzter

, , , , ,

Leave a comment