musingsonwomenshealth.com

Reflections on 40 years as a doctor in Women's Health

Society is no comfort to one not sociable


I’ve been wondering about loneliness lately; I’ve been wondering if it really constitutes the epidemic it has been termed by various government health agencies -not the least of which by our neighbour, the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Perhaps I’m being overly pedantic about the idea of it being an ‘epidemic’: an outbreak of a widespread infectious disease -a dangerous virus like Covid, but not merely a ‘cold’ that, while it can also wreak havoc in some, is usually transient and merely annoying in others.

In other words, is the more ominous designation of an ‘epidemic’ an intent to eradicate it completely -like we strive to do with polio or measles- or merely to draw attention to it and its management, so we can instill some hope for its sufferers?

Is loneliness just a part of Life, though -a condition that ebbs and flows as we harvest our years? Must it be confined to a relative lack of friends or company, or is it able to be as succinctly defined as that? Would other times when we have not been invited to something to which we felt entitled, or found ourselves at odds with our companions for a period of time, also count as loneliness? I mean, don’t we all go through phases like that? Don’t some things flourish if  there is an occasional absence so we can then better appreciate what we were missing? Living in a candy store loses its appeal if that’s all you get to eat.

Solitude -or oneliness, as it used to be called- is different: it is an opportunity to reflect upon things, and is voluntary, by and large. Loneliness (a word that began to appear in English in the early 1800’s) is not like that. If anything, it is an emptiness, involuntary, and largely devoid of any useful function. Unfortunately, by those not affected, it is sometimes seen as self-inflicted, a personality flaw…

I suppose I saw Aurie like that: quiet, and self-absorbed, seldom making eye contact with me although we frequently saw each other walking alone along the same trails in the woods. I would turn a corner and there he would be, sometimes just standing and staring at something, and at other times, he’d be hurrying along the path as if he were late for a meeting. Usually he’d smile, but more at the chance encounter than with any recognition or wish to talk.

Aurie wasn’t unfriendly, he just didn’t seem to know how to engage with people. We saw each other so frequently on the trail, I no longer thought of us as strangers, so the next time I saw him, I decided to talk to him.

“I’ve seen you so often on these trails, I thought I’d better introduce myself. Everybody calls me G,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

He seemed pleased, and a big smile blossomed on his face. “I’m Aurelio,” he said, extending his hand and grasping mine with a firm grip. “Everybody calls me Aurie… We seem to pass each other like ships at night, don’t we?”

I nodded, pleased that he was so friendly. “Are you from around here?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t think I was being nosy.

He nodded, but it was more the shrug that accompanied it, that caught my attention. “Well, nearby, anyway,” he answered. “I’ve been coming here recently because I like the trails…”

He looked down at his feet for a moment as if he wanted to add something, so I merely smiled and waited for him to continue.

“I’ve got a lot of extra time, nowadays,” he continued with a lopsided grin.

“Oh…? Why’s that?” He’d seemed to want me to ask.

He shrugged again. “Oh, you know… personal stuff, eh?” he glanced at the forest around us.

“Mind if I walk with you for a bit?” I asked. “We seem to be going the same way this time.”

He nodded, the smile never leaving his face. “It’s good to have someone to talk to,” he added as we continued along the trail. “You can only read so many books, or watch so much TV… I suppose it’s why I go for these long walks…”

He seemed to want to talk -to need to talk- so I merely nodded and walked in silence beside him.

“I’m retired now,” he said, glancing at me. “How about you?”

I nodded; clearly we were both old, although he seemed more dispirited about it than I was.

“Married?”

I shook my head.

He sighed. “My wife died last year,” he continued, as if his question was merely a way to introduce his situation. “We married young, and after 63 years together, I died too.”

I stopped, and looked at his face as I touched his arm. “I’m so sorry… Did you have any children?”

He shook his head. “There was just the two of us -two of us against the world… No, not against the world -more like swimming in it. Swimming together, if you know what I mean. Always together…”

“Have you lived in this area a long time?” I asked to change the subject and maybe cheer him up.

He shook his head. “No, we lived in Toronto for most of our lives, but after she died I realized I had to get away. I just couldn’t stay in our old house with all of its memories. I thought maybe finding a place to rent somewhere entirely different would help.” He sighed and then shrugged his shoulders. “We’d never been to Vancouver, so I thought the area around here might be a fresh start… You know, like a Phoenix rising from its ashes, or something…”  

He threw his eyes onto my cheek to see if I understood, so I nodded -but I didn’t understand. Not really. But then again, I never had the types of memories a lifetime with the same person would create; whenever I moved, I was leaving nothing behind -nothing of value to me, at any rate. “Has it helped as much as you expected, Aurie?”

He sighed again -this time deeply- and he shook his head slowly. Sadly. “I don’t know anybody out here, you know. Angie was the social one: she made friends easily and whenever we used to go anywhere, I could feel her eyes resting on me, stroking me wherever I was; I was never alone…” He attempted a smile and looked at me for a moment. “I never thought it was going to be like this…”

I stopped for a moment as we reached the end of the trail. “I’ve got an idea, Aurie. Each Wednesday morning, a group of us old men meet at the Food Court in the Park Royal Shopping Centre for coffee… I’m sure they’d love to meet you; we’re always looking for new blood to argue with…”

He smiled at that and nodded his head. “I… I’m a little shy about meeting new people… Angie was my buffer.”

I pretend-punched him on the shoulder. “So am I Aurie, but the coffee guys are a reprobate bunch from every type of job you can imagine. We meet at one of the tables near the Tim Horton’s outlet around 10 A.M. You’ll hear us before you see us…”

He nodded and said he’d try to make it. But, despite the invitation, he never did. I wish I’d got a phone number, or his address because I never saw him again. Maybe he changed his mind and moved back to Toronto, but somehow the trail seems empty without him now.

Loneliness is contagious, I think…

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gozzter

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