musingsonwomenshealth.com

Reflections on 40 years as a doctor in Women's Health

The only hope for continued individualism is belonging


While I find myself immersed in a culture that values individualism, I am reminded of a quote from the famous polymath literary figure, Jean Cocteau, that ‘We are in a period of such individualism that one no longer speaks of disciples; one speaks of thieves.’ There’s a lot to that.

I have grown up in a society which treasures individualism, so I’m certainly not disputing a political philosophy that puts the freedom and the rights of individuals as one of its highest values, but does that encompass all we are? All we value? I mean I’m Canadian, eh?

It seems to me there’s a difference between seeing others in society as possible competitors that we can override if they get in the way, and enlisting others in the community to work on mutual problems -climate change, inequality, or differences of opinion. Surely there’s a happy medium that encourages both factions to cooperate for mutual benefit. Just how unique are we? Can any of us be understood in isolation from our connections with those around us?

As a provocative article[i] I recently came across suggests, ‘What is most relevant about me is not that I am a free and autonomous agent, but rather that I am so-and-so’s son or daughter, grandchild or sibling; someone’s teacher, colleague or mentor; a member of such-and-such neighbourhood and community. In its conception of the person as inseparable from their relationships, the role-bearing self poses a challenge to the social contract view of humans as pristine individuals who participate in society only voluntarily.’ Its these relationships that delineate our responsibilities to others.

Of course, what the appropriate thing to do in any situation depends largely on the particular person with whom we are interacting. Each interaction comes with different norms -so yes, each of us is unique, but there are still commonalities on which we can depend. Even in international relations with hostile powers, diplomacy is a good first step in an attempt to resolve any disputes. Compromise assumes common values, discussion enables respect; ‘Harmony is a quality that emerges when people in different roles complement and support one another.’

Too Kumbaya for you? Consider this, then: ‘Whereas many people may have the same hobbies or like the same music as I do, my specific pattern of relationships is particular to me. When I stop looking inward for some ‘self’ that exists independently of the world and focus instead on my specific pattern of relationships with those around me, I can realise a more unique version of myself.’ Not one that erases my individuality, but one that further delineates it as it connects with other people.

My habit of submerging my individualism in communal values does not always meet with approval in my Wednesday morning coffee group with the guys at the Food Court, though. To be fair, it usually depends on who has been able to escape the domestic chores without marital strife because the unresolved bitterness often spills over into our discussions.

The other day, I was disappointed to see that there was only one of the group present at our usual table. Jeremy was a stalwart attendee, though; he seldom misses a Wednesday, probably because, like me, he lives alone. He’s an argumentative grey-haired retired high school teacher who was sure we were all seeking self-reliance. He was a prime example of individualism gone rogue, with his old-man pants hanging from his hips like shower curtains, and his insistence on wearing the same untucked and faded Grateful Dead sweatshirt under the same blue woolen coat no matter the vicissitudes of the weather outside. He was fond of saying that his one concession to pluralism was his love of the works of Shakespeare, however. And today he was the only person at our table, so I had to adapt. But maybe he was just egging me on; he had been a high school English literature teacher and I’m pretty sure he didn’t think I’d be able to refute him.

Still, Jeremy was nothing if not consistent in using Shakespeare to confuse me about his views on the world. “I always thought of Shakespeare as an Elizabethan individualist, Jer…” I knew disagreeing with him was a sure goad to spicy conversation. “Remember what Polonius said in Hamlet: ‘This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.’”

As I anticipated, Jeremy’s eyebrows immediately shot up and the argument was on. “Come on G! You’re so predictable; you’ve cherrypicked your usual tiny example from Shakespeare’s huge repertoire.”

I loved this. “Do tell, Jer…”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Shakespeare’s characters are neither black, nor white;  They are often contradictory and multifaceted, with conflicting desires, emotions, and beliefs. This complexity mirrors the pluralistic nature of human experience, where individuals can hold multiple, sometimes opposing, viewpoints simultaneously…”

I recognized those same phrases from the stuff I’d Googled before I left my house in case Jeremy was the sole occupant of the table because of the snowstorm outside. I’d anticipated his usual Shakespearian onslaught at coffee. “Why do I remember a very similar wording of your rebuttal, in a Google search I did on the topic just this morning, Jer…?”

I think he blushed, but maybe he was just annoyed. “Look, just because pluralism creeps into the best of us from time to time, doesn’t mean it’s who we are, does it?” He had a quick sip of his now cold coffee. “We have to adapt to the situation in which we find ourselves, don’t we? It’s my individuality that allows me to process different opinions seamlessly and without anger, eh?”

“Isn’t that the golden rule in a debate: listen to what your opponent says, repeat it back to them to ensure you have understood them correctly, and then dispute it coherently and without rancor?”

Hearing that, he smiled for the first time. “Two individuals staking their claims?”

I was unable to suppress my grin as well, and nodded agreeably. “Neither of us are completely black or white are we…?”

He chuckled and finished off the crumbs of a doughnut he found on his plate. “That’s because there are no others at the table spurring us on, I think.” He stood up and patted my shoulder like an old friend. “I’m going to get another doughnut. Can I get you a coffee refill and another one of your uniquely individualistic 12 grain bagels?”

“Very communal of you, Jer,” I said, loving our ability to recognize that neither of us were actually as well-defined as we pretended…

[i] https://aeon.co/essays/what-is-the-cure-for-the-wests-individualist-worldview?

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