Scaffolds

It’s exciting to realize that, despite my age, there are so many things that I have not stopped to think about: the seemingly random encounters with anonymous people in the course of a visit to a store or waiting for a bus downtown; inconsequential interactions with strangers on a sidewalk waiting for the light to change; overheard conversations at the next table in a Food Court in an otherwise unimportant mall. They are mostly forgettable, I suppose -background noise- and yet in retrospect, they ultimately form the invisible scaffolds of our lives.

Of course, I guess it’s tempting to dismiss most of these encounters -and anyway, there are far too many of them to remember, and they are far too numerous to catalogue let alone ponder the significance of each. I would feel overwhelmed if I had to remember the details of everything that happened to me in a day; I feel blessed that no one asks; it is not a requirement for old age.

And yet, I sometimes wonder if those forgotten contacts with the world form the hidden webs that bind me to reality: Occurro ergo sum, as it were. They have obviously decreased in our pandemic lockdowns and social distancing of late, but they are all around, if you watch for them. I still have trivial conversations with those lining up the requisite three feet away in the grocery store; I still feel a compulsion to interact with flowers in the woods and I continue to follow mysterious and partially hidden trails to see where they lead. I still attempt to understand the yawp of crows scattered in the forest as they try to stay in contact with their flock; and if our eyes engage, I still smile -masked or not- when I pass a person I don’t recognize on the sidewalk to show them I also am a member of their flock. How else to honour an otherwise forgettable stranger? How else to make sense of my life?

*

An elderly man (I try not to look for comparisons with my own misuse of years) apologized to me for coughing as I sat beside him on a bus a few weeks ago. He was wearing a mask above which, by chance rather than intent I suspect, his nose was almost entirely visible. He clearly had not entirely mastered the art of masking, because one ear also stuck out like Mickey Mouse from the pressure of the straps, and there was a rhythmic indentation of the fabric with each of his laboured inhalations.

“Damned thing keeps making me cough,” he ventured, as he apologized with his eyes and re-buried his nose. “But I’m double-vaccinated,” he hastened to assure me in the same muffled tone as his apology.

And that was that. Two streets later, he got off after stroking me with his eyes as he left -for tolerating him, I suppose.

*

A woman passed me carrying her tray to the drop-off box in the mall’s Food court to which I’d been travelling on the bus. I was sitting, unmasked, at a socially distanced table eating a bagel and lingering over my coffee, when she accidentally bumped into me, dropping a napkin onto my arm as she tried to avoid stepping on her little boy. Her eyes immediately registered horror -partially at the incursion into my space of course, but mainly for the fomitic napkin that had landed on my arm. I imagine the fact that she had also forgotten to don her mask after finishing her meal suddenly occurred to her as an added and unforgivable crime as well.

Ordinarily, I suppose this would have elicited no more than an embarrassed apology, but in this pandemic age, it seemed to her to have been an egregious trespass. “Oh my God, sir,” she muttered sotto voce, so as not to incur the antagonism of the otherwise uninterested patrons. “I’m so sorry!”

I smiled at her as a sign of forgiveness, and merely blew the napkin off my arm and onto the floor. I hoped she would see this as yet another sign of absolution, but she merely blushed, picked up the napkin and hurried off, while looking around the room to make sure no one else had noticed.

*

Much later, I was about to enter a popular pathway leading to the trail around a local lake when a dog rounded the corner. I like dogs -no, actually I love them and stop to pet every dog who will let me, leashed or not. I walk the trail several times a week, so by now, I suspect I know every dog I pass -or is it the other way around? At any rate, the dog I met that day was one I didn’t recognize, and it was attached to an ownerless leash. It was a black Labrador, I think, and as is the custom of every lab I’ve ever met, it started wagging its tail furiously and trotted up to me to say hello.

There’s something incredibly endearing about the look in their eyes as they poke their noses into strangers as if they were long lost relatives; it’s impossible not to recognize that there is something intelligent and curious staring out at you and requesting a pat.

I, of course, can never resist, but before I could reach out and touch its head, the owner came puffing around the corner and screamed at me. “Don’t you pet that dog,” she yelled, her eyes not at all as welcoming as her dog’s.

“He came up to me wagging his tail,” I explained, not a little put off by her attitude. I didn’t recognize the wrinkles I could see on her face above her mask, either; she was obviously not a local.

Her eyes narrowed and her forehead rumpled at my explanation as she grasped the leash firmly in two hands and pulled the dog away. “Dogs can catch human diseases, you know,” she added, shaking her head irritably.

The dog glanced at her and then back at me; I could swear his eyes apologized to me for his master’s rudeness and I could almost see him shrug, as he trotted reluctantly away realizing he had no choice in the matter.

I can only hope he realized that I was left without a choice as well…

The Primrose Path

Age is sometimes mysterious, isn’t it? Despite the experience and occasional brush with wisdom I have encountered, I am still a child in many ways. Naïve -not so much about things I have encountered in my drive through life, but more about those on streets I have not visited. Addresses in the shadows.

I suppose there will always be issues that will never spring to mind in our normal passage through the years and yet, in retrospect, one wonders how they were missed. Or why. What, for example, happens to different populations as they age? And who do we get to care for those who have chosen -or been forced- to walk the darker paths, then fallen neglected and forgotten by the wayside, too old to re-offend? Should we care for those who flout our laws and reject the duty to conform? Are we a family, or just a collection of intolerant strangers easily offended and quick to turn away?

Imponderables, to be sure, and yet, like it or not, there are needs that must be met… by someone anyway. I was intrigued by an article in the BBC News about aging prostitutes in Mexico City: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-38677679  One of their members opened a retirement facility for them.

I must admit, that the plight of aging sex workers had never really occurred to me. I’m not sure what I thought would happen as they got old, although, as a gynaecologist, I was certainly aware of their life style risks; their need for consultation in the Emergency Department was a regular and frequent occurrence whenever I was on call. For some reason, I’m reminded of that quote of Queen Katharine buried deep in Shakespeare’s Henry VIII: ‘Like the lily, that once was mistress of the field and flourish’d, I’ll hang my head and perish.’ Is that how they end their days…? I hope not.

But a retirement home –how perfect! The social safety net in Mexico is likely not as comprehensive as that in Canada, and yet even here, I’m not aware of any such facility. Indeed, the oldest profession has undergone other, more callous impediments as I noted in a 2014 blog on prostitution laws: https://musingsonwomenshealth.com/2014/06/12/prostitution-laws/  So perhaps it might be asking too much to wonder if such a facility might be in the offing -if not governmentally sponsored, then perhaps privately funded. Or better still, a legal adoption of  something like the New Zealand model might discourage exploitation and even offer salaries and, who knows, pensions…? Comfort for their end of days?

*

I do not ordinarily sit in malls; I do not ordinarily go to malls, for that matter, but sometimes circumstances foster unexpected opportunities. I was tired that day –tired of fighting through Friday crowds in search of things I probably didn’t need, or at least could likely find with a little effort somewhere else. I had just decided to look for a place to rest and collect my thoughts, when I saw a woman check her watch and stand to leave an uncomfortable-looking wooden seat near where the tide of people was sweeping me. I immediately swam over and moored before the woman right behind me could claim it for herself.

The seat was one of four that served as a kind of breakwater for the waves of people flowing down the shop-lined banks in confused eddies. Bolted to the floor, they were arranged in a little circle, presumably to facilitate conversation, but only two of the occupants seemed to know each other. They were deep in conversation so even an exchange of pleasantries seemed inappropriate, but just before I closed my eyes, I managed to catch their attention and smile at them. In the seat beside me was an old man who also smiled, but seemed more preoccupied with his watch than anything else.

The women were quite old and both looked as if they’d seen better days. Although their clothes were clean and obviously worn with an attempt at style, I could see fraying at the hems, and areas where the patterns were disrupted by attempts at repair. Both their faces were wrinkled, as much by life as age, I suspected, and the one directly across from where I sat, seemed hollow around her cheeks and gummed her words through sparsely distributed teeth. Short and gaunt, she sat proud and straight in her chair, however, her long, greying hair swept back in an elegant ponytail that danced each time she talked. She had dressed that day in a green, fading sweater and black jeans that seemed a bit too large, so the cuffs were carefully rolled to matching folds.

The other was a larger woman with short, ash-white hair that she had scrunched under a blue baseball cap that had some sort of a truck logo on its front. She was dressed in a red and white flower print dress which seemed to hang shapelessly below a tattered and faded nylon jacket that had probably once been totally black. At her feet was a big, stained cloth shopping bag that bulged oddly in places with items too irregular to be just clothes.

Friendly strangers, they both smiled back at me before resuming their conversation.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax into the wooden slats, but their words kept floating over to me during lulls in the storm of voices and accidental elbows hurrying past me. I could tell it was an unsafe anchorage at best.

“Haven’t seen you for a while. You still working, Ethel?” It must have been the pony-tailed woman, because her words seemed strangely distorted and her lips smacked together a little as she spoke.

A gaggle of children passed nearby so I missed some of the response. “… men anymore, Rita…”

“Yeah, I guess, eh?” But I didn’t think Rita sounded very sure. “You still on the…” A demonic laugh surfaced in the crowd for a moment then faded along with Rita’s words.

“Yeah,” Ethel replied. “Hard to get off though, eh?”

I opened my eyes to get a little more comfortable on my seat, and saw Rita nodding in agreement. “Hang out in the same place?”

Ethel shrugged as I closed my eyes again. “They know me there,” she answered.

I imagined Rita nodding in agreement. “Mmmh,” I heard.

School must have ended for lunch, because a group of noisy teenagers rambled past, joking and poking each other. “What shelter you going to nowadays?” Ethel’s words caught my attention, even amidst the confusion of teenage jests and I opened my eyes, pretending to adjust my position again.

I could see the indecision on Rita’s face, and her lips moved as she considered her answer. “Used to go to the one on Main…”

“Yeah, me too,” Ethel agreed, glancing at her. “Got assaulted there, though, so I sometimes try the Sally Ann…”

“Mmmh.”

“What about now, Rita?” She adjusted her baseball cap as she spoke. “Where you headed tonight…?” She sounded suspicious. They were clearly not good friends –just acquaintances, perhaps, who’d found themselves in adjoining seats to shelter from the weather for a while.

Rita stared at Ethel for a moment, obviously uncertain how to answer. Then she ordered her eyes to scan the passing crowd. “Found a new place. Some of the girls got together…” But it wasn’t the noise of passing voices that ended her words.

Ethel tried to find out more, but Rita suddenly stood and waved, as if she recognized someone in the crowd, and dived into a particularly noisy wave and disappeared.

Ethel sighed and then gathered up her things and melted into a similar eddy going another direction. Despite her weight, she seemed frail and aged. Her movements were no longer fluid, her gait was unbalanced and she hobbled with a decided limp. But as she disappeared, her eyes brushed mine -by mistake, I thought at first, but when I remembered it later, I wondered if it had just been habit. A desperate plea for another friend –however temporary.