The Serpent’s Egg

We all see the world through our own experiences, paint it with our own colours, fly our own flags. They seem real to us –unique and even necessary to our identities. As if it’s enough to be simply what we wear; as if we are only what we’ve been taught to show. But sometimes we need distance to understand that there are other equally compelling ways of defining ourselves. Other less travelled roads.

I say this, of course, as an unwitting member of a large club in which I was enrolled without being required to read the rules. But I guess most of us say that, don’t we? Male privilege –it’s something that’s hard to see if it’s all you’ve known. Easy to deny –and certainly easier to excuse- if you’re the privileged one. Especially if you can’t even understand the claim; to a sock, everything is a foot. It’s why we have them…

I worry that it is a learned attitude, however –like assuming all girls want to play with dolls, and all boys want to play with cars. A self-fulfilling prophecy if it’s taught early enough –valid only because we know it’s how it should be. Harmless, perhaps, if it does not disadvantage either side, but untenable unless dispassionately assessed. Unfortunately, we all tend to bring our own agendas to the analysis. Our own talking-points. Our own pasts…

A state in Australia is making a brave attempt to bring some historical context to the issue, and create some early awareness of the challenges of gender perspective and gender stereotypes: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-37640353 ‘Students will explore issues around social inequality, gender-based violence and male privilege.’ This is not to suggest that Australia is any different in its treatment of women, but it is a welcome departure from many countries that don’t even acknowledge the problem. ‘Primary school students will be exposed to images of both boys and girls doing household chores, playing sport and working as firefighters and receptionists. The material includes statements including “girls can play football, can be doctors and can be strong” and “boys can cry when they are hurt, can be gentle, can be nurses and can mind babies”.’ And it doesn’t stop with primary school education. ‘A guide for the Year 7 and 8 curriculum states: “Being born a male, you have advantages – such as being overly represented in the public sphere – and this will be true whether you personally approve or think you are entitled to this privilege.” It describes privilege as “automatic, unearned benefits bestowed upon dominant groups” based on “gender, sexuality, race or socio-economic class”.’ Good on them!

But I think we have to be careful to walk the middle path. Accusations are seldom neutral; they often engender anger and even retaliation from those accused. So, perhaps predictably, in Australia ‘a report on a 2015 pilot trial accused it of presenting all men as “bad” and all women as “victims”.’ It’s one thing to illuminate the entire stage for a play, but still another to spotlight only one particular area. Decontextualize it…

*

Jeannette seemed like a fairly typical young woman as she sat relaxed in her seat and talking to several other women in the waiting room. Her long auburn hair danced lightly on her shoulders when she laughed, and her eyes sparkled as she leaned over to accept a toy from a little boy who had toddled over to her on a whim. Dressed in a loose grey sweatshirt and faded jeans, she wore a fresh, newly-pregnant smile that every woman in the room could see. And even the older ones followed her with their eyes –memories of bygone years. Her joy, theirs to enjoy -if only vicariously, and for too brief a time.

But her smile faded as soon as she sat across the desk from me in my office. Her eyes were predators shackled for the moment, the cage doors open nonetheless.

“I understand congratulations are in order, Jeanette,” I said, looking at my computer screen, and missing the change in her face. “Your family doctor says this is your first pregnancy…”

“The father doesn’t want me to keep the pregnancy,” she said tersely, her lips thin and tight, and as I looked up, she sent her eyes to savage my smile, and her forehead seemed to pucker as they left.

I had never met Jeannette before, although I had apparently seen her mother as a patient several years ago. That was all the GP said  -maybe it was why he had sent her to me for her pregnancy. I took a deep breath and leaned forward in my chair. These are always difficult conversations. “And how do you feel about that, Jeannette…?”

I could see her face relax a bit, as if my response had caught her by surprise. “I… I don’t think it’s fair!” She searched in her pockets for something, and then grabbed a tissue from my desk and dabbed her cheek. “I mean he’s blaming me for getting pregnant…” She took a deep, stertorous breath and sat back on her chair. “He refused to wear a condom –he said it would show I didn’t trust him…” I could see her squeezing her hands. “I didn’t, actually… I mean we’d never slept together before, but we were good friends… and…” Her eyes had softened with tears so she dropped them onto her lap and grabbed a handful of tissues. “Well, we were both drinking –he kept filling up my wine glass and…”

I remained silent and waited for her to continue.

“And he doesn’t even believe it’s his anyway… I was too easy he said!” Her face hardened again and her eyes dared me to agree. “I got really angry. ‘You were pretty easy, yourself’, I told him. And that’s when he punched me in the stomach and left…”

I have to admit that my mouth fell open. “Did you report him, Jeannette?”

She looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. “He’d just deny hitting me, doctor!” she said through gritted teeth as if it were obvious. “And he’s already telling my friends it was consensual sex…”

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my expression neutral. “Did you tell your GP all this?”

She shook her head. “He wouldn’t understand. I just said I was pregnant…”

I sat quietly for a moment, wondering how to proceed, when she suddenly smiled warmly at me. “Can I ask you something, doctor?”

I nodded with a smile –sometimes it’s all you can do.

“If I were your daughter, what would you say to me?”

I thought about it for a bit, then looked at her and sighed. “When you do dance, I wish you
a wave o’ th’ sea, that you might ever do nothing but that.”

Her face brightened even more and her eyes sparkled in the sunlight from the window behind me. “That’s from Shakespeare’s ‘Winter’s Tale’ isn’t it?”

I nodded, surprised both that I quoted that line of all things, but also that she knew what I meant.

“Better start filling in that antenatal form on your screen, don’t you think?” she said, barely able to contain her face.

And we both laughed. Sometimes poetry has the privilege, I realized –not gender…

 

 

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The Yang of Yin

We are, it would seem, a binary species and we live in a binary world where opposites define each other. Think, for example, of up and down –the one depends on the other for its very existence: there is obviously no up without a down with which to contrast it. Good/bad, in/out, light/dark, near/far… even the code written into our computers -the list of inter-dependent binaries is endless.

Perhaps the most famous –and arguably the earliest- recognition of this interdependence is the Chinese concept of Yin and Yang. Without pretending an esoteric knowledge of historical linguistics or an abstruse Sinological background, the meanings of Yin and Yang can be superficially understood as ‘shady’ and ‘sunny’ respectively, and seem to date from sometime in the fourth century BCE.

I suppose the reason this complementarity is so fascinating to me is the implied rejection of the rule of the Absolute. One would seem to need, say, a seller for the concept of ‘buyer’ to exist. And by extension, perhaps, the presence of evil for good to become manifest –although I recognize that to be a bit of semantic trickery. But at any rate, it is an interesting idea to play with.

Binarity –to neologize- has its limits, however. Or at least its two components can be seen as bookends that confine an entire shelf of not-quites. The concept, as we often find after sufficient investigation, can be that of a spectrum, with intermediates melding imperceptibly into their shelf-mates.

Labels, while they help us to identify things, can also lead us astray. I will cover this idea more fully in a later essay, but suffice it to say that a label can be merely a societal/cultural attempt at categorization –a name that simplifies the issue of what to make of the entity. Where to put it. How to interact with it.

For now, however, I would like to touch briefly on whether or not the hitherto necessary binary assignation of gender is anachronistic. There was a helpful BBC News article that brought this to my attention:  http://www.bbc.com/news/health-35242180  and while I have certainly touched on gender issues in past essays, https://musingsonwomenshealth.wordpress.com/2014/07/03/the-asexual/  and https://musingsonwomenshealth.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/gender/ for example, the idea that gender is a labile concept is one that my generation, at least, often finds challenging.

And yet, if one can step back from the anatomical signposts that have directed us for millennia, is the binary assignation of male or female really all that important a predictor of who, or for that matter, what a person is? We’ve always known that different people manifest different characteristics and we even apply societally accepted terms to allow them to maintain their positions within the otherwise ordained sexual designations. We use such terms as ‘effeminate’ for a man who seems at odds with the perceived norms for masculinity, or ‘tomboy’ for a young girl who seems to run with the other team –although I admit I haven’t heard that word applied since I was young myself (perhaps the term is now ‘butch’ although I find it offensive and somehow demeaning). My point, though, is not what words we use, but that we have always found ways to describe someone who does not quite fit into normative –or what the majority may describe as normative- assignations. In other words, a tacit realization –and acceptance- that gender cannot be captured by genitalia alone.

It is not a new concept in any society as the BBC article attempted to illustrate. Sexuality and, indeed, sexual orientation has always been a fluid concept –and both an intriguing and compelling one, as the recent and untimely death of David Bowie has served to remind us. Maybe the time has come to reconsider things. I wonder why it has taken us so long to realize that what we treasure in people and what we find so important is not their gender, not their sexual orientation, and certainly not their appearance, but their energy. Their spirit, I suppose.

We can never agree on everything, perhaps, but as with Shakespeare in The Winter’s Tale, I say, ‘When you do dance, I wish you a wave o’ th’ sea, that you might ever do nothing but that.’